This has been one of the longest weeks ever. It has been filled with all different types of emotions. Some parts of the week are things I will never forget, while other parts are a complete blur.....
We found out last Thursday ( Oct. 25th) that we lost our sweet baby. The day started off with complete excitement, the kind of excitement that kids feel waking up on Christmas morning. We were going to find out if baby # 3 was a boy or girl. The day before a friend had offered me a free ultrasound since she is an ultra sound tech with a different dr, at the same building my dr. is located. We were completely excited and thought it would be fun to find out earlier than what my dr. would do. I was 15 weeks and she said that she would most likely be able to tell. We didn't care at all, but my hunch was a boy. So all that day I was so excited!! Brent wasn't going to be able to come since it was such late notice but we spent the night before practicing how to skype so he could kinda be there! So I get to the appointment and right away I could see the baby on the screen...it was so much bigger than the first ultrasound at 9 weeks. I was a little distracted getting Brent on the phone, but we were finally ready and then the ultrasound tech just stopped and looked down. Oh my gosh...my heart sank, in that second all the excitement completely stopped. She told me that she was sorry that she couldn't find a heartbeat. I told her that I just heard the heartbeat a little over a week before and that I had seen the heartbeat on our first ultrasound. But after a minute longer, I knew. I just started crying. Brent couldn' t really hear what was going on, but I told him that we lost the baby. So from what she could tell...it looked like the baby stopped growing around 14 weeks, about a week earlier.
There I was by myself, sitting outside of the hopital while it was raining, just sobbing. Thankfully, my friend Ruth Ann came to pick me up. In the meantime all my family was waiting for me to call. My friends didn't know I even had the appointment and I was planning on just surprising them. I don't remember the drive home or much of that night. I remember talking to my sisters, mom, Jodi, Misty and my pastor and texting with a few friends.
Friday we had to go to my dr. for an "official" ultrasound where they told us the exact same thing. My dr. wasn't very happy with my friend for doing that. However, I kept thinking that my next appointment wasn't until Nov. 7 where I would have been 17 weeks and still might not have known. But the bad thing was that I wouldn't be able to get in for the removal surgery till Monday. I had to wait all weekend, which was so hard. I just had to sit on the couch and take it easy so that I wouldn't have to come in for an emergency surgery. I made it to Monday and it was awful...again I don't remember much of that day either. I had to be put completely out, but the procedure wasn't long and recovery wasn't bad either. I spent the next few days with Brent and then my mom just taking it easy. The earliest I was told to go back to work was Thursday and I did...and it was so hard. I didn't feel good at all, but pushed through. Friday was better.
We have had amazing support from friends and family. Our counter is full of flowers and our fridge and freezer completely full with food from our church, my MOPS group and school friends. My friends have been so nice texting and calling to check on me. But the biggest comfort and help has come from God. I feel so lucky that Brent and I are where we are at with our relationship with God...just a few years ago we wouldn't have been. It has been very comforting knowing that God is in control and that He has a plan for us. I still wake up every morning praying and thanking God for all he has done in our lives. I thank him that he welcome our loved baby into heaven. There is a lot of hope and each day is getting a little easier. The girls are doing good...they thought it was great spending all that extra time with grandma and grandpa..they didn't really understand much. Hattie does a little bit though, actually more than I thought. Yesterday we were driving and listening to our worship music that we listen to at Sunday school. She was singing and said " God thank you for taking care of our baby because it wasn't healthy. You are my best friend. You make my heart happy". Seriously so thankful I have these girls!! It has made this tough time so much easier!
I will go back to my dr. this week but she is just awesome. I love her! She told us that she didn't think we needed to do genetic testing, which we really thought we would do. So we decided not to do that, that also means we won't know whethere baby was a boy or girl. She thinks it was probably a chromosone probably like trisomy 22 ( or something similar) she was saying that since we have our two healthy girls that there is a good chance we would have another healthy baby later on. We will see....we are going to give it some time.
This weekend we had a family fun day and went to the aquarium, legoland and the rainforest cafe. We had an awesome time! It is still hard, and I know it is going to be. I swear there were so many pregnant ladies at these places and it made it hard. I just keep thinking about the baby we lost and how excited we were to hold him or her in April. I try not to think about that all the time, but those thoughts happen during the day all the time. I am just trying to focus on all the fun things coming up in the next few months.
